For you mahal :)

Happy Monthsary! :)

“Why?” He asked. “Is there someone else?” He added, looking so puzzled. “Of course none! What are you?” I immediately replied. “Then why?” He insisted.

But that conversation appeared to be so uneasy to me. I just couldn't put into words what my mind dictated. Not only that. I’m too afraid if I’d burst into tears if I tried to speak.

“That’s… just it” I said, my voice now trembling.

Just then painful silence enveloped us. Tears welled up his eyes. I said no words but that stillness simply moved and hit him. He pleaded, begged and embraced me for the nth time but no, the situation seemed to no longer promise us a smooth relationship.

Series of tears effortlessly run through his cheeks. Seeing him like that subtlety crushed my heart. This isn't supposed to happen. I love him, I really do but I’m just too tired to fight at the moment that if he signaled to let go then I’d be more than willing to let him.

"I'm serious you know that, don't you?" I reassured.

“I can’t. I just… can’t,” he said while another bunch of tears journeyed down his face. Calmness in between us followed.

I don’t know what came to my senses but I tightly hugged and cradled him like a baby. This time, he went even harder.

Thus was four days ago. Now? We're celebrating our seventeenth month together. Yahoo! :-D

Mahal ko? I love you… this big. I’m sorry, I've gone coward that time. I’m sorry for the times I got so boring and superficial. I’m so sorry for those tears. I’m so sorry that I could not think of any peace offering to justify the shed tears. I'm even sorry for this dull post. Believe me, I tried hard to steal the silence between us but I chose to not to utter a thing because I knew I’ll regret them onwards. Never will I give up on us, mylove. Not anymore. I hope you will too.

Happy Seventeenth Monthsary Mahal! Nakasala ko maong gabinut-an ko or whatever that is you’re thinking, ikaw bahala. Basta love kaayu tikaw. God could testify that.

Just so you’ll know

Love you dutz!

Hundredths of thousandths could have commemorated the birth of Saint Valentine today. While some are busy preparing for a romantic-filled event, others couldn’t deny the fact that they are merely forced to buy roses, chocolates or a dinky little card due to the demand that this day brings. Silent few could have hovered around the corner and reiterating their bitter and grave experiences yet several could have thought that this is just another ordinary day and like any other unbranded days, it couldn’t be extended, not even an hour. True enough though. But today, I courageously chose to stare at the monitor and get my hands ready to type in anything what my brain dictates me. Sure thing, nothing and no one else occupies my hippocampus but him – only him.

Oh well, it was not so long ago since we piloted our first month together. Time elapsed. Things changed. Feelings deepened. Two, three, four months slipped by and still time swift by, things altered yet emotions were even deeper. And so here I am, trying to squeeze everything that needed to be squeezed and convey my heartfelt gratitude to him. Yes, my thank you list couldn’t compensate the four-month, fun-filled ride with you, but allow me to trumpet to the world how blessed and grateful I am for having you.

Hey! I couldn’t thank you enough for the t-shirt I sometimes borrow. For our trying hard cooking sessions and praising our own recipe because we felt so successful doing it, for reminding me that we belong to each other so that I should act accordingly and behave everytime, for spending quality time with me and for making me feel how special I am to you, for tirelessly telling me that forever will you love me, that the next girl you’ll love will be our daughter, that you’ll never have a change of heart and that you’ll never go away, of which I am not hundred and one percent certain that you’ve asserted those same perfect lines on one of your girls before. For giving me a hint with your weak spots so as to avoid your weeping-at-a-speed-of-light moments, for your blind obedience – following words I spit without you realizing that some of those are just part of my silly games. Thank you still, for your beautiful lie of telling me that you’ve deleted your collections of porns, semi-porns and the likes and you’re not watching them nor taking a sneak peak on them anymore  (Heaven knows and I know you still do).

For the corney, super corney and super duper corney jokes, for your unconditional patience of fixing your electric fan because I have negligently kicked one of the propellers, for remaining stern towards staying with me all through out while you fought with the many hurts and pains I caused you, and by all means, still staying gay and sweet despite everything, and for patiently waiting for me – so patient that even if that waiting feels like forever.

I’ve been a real bad girl, I admit it, but I thank you for taking care of us and for taking care of me better than I can. Thank you so much for not getting tired of us. Hope you never will. For keeping an eye on me before, during and after I was hospitalized, for uttering that effective prayer of yours that eventually, the physician told me I can go home the next day, for always being at my side even under time pressure, for shouting to the world wide web how much I mean to you and most especially for seeing me even with your eyes closed.

For generously sharing to me the other side of the coin, like BJ’s halagukoy (ancient term of ugly) and “Maayung Buntag Kapamilya” even on a sizzling afternoon, your avid status likers: Lowell’s “flippish.com”, Jhonsel’s “dating-gawi”, Ryan Cute’s “madaot akong skin” and even parcels of your past fairy-tale-like love stories of which I chose not to name names; perhaps because of some good reasons. And oh! Thank you so much for your fake listening to my piece of Romeo-Juliet plots; life is indeed so fair and square.

Well that did not hurt but, thank you for the slap in my face and for hitting me that broomstick. Just then I realized, walking out is never a solution to our melodramatic scenes and crying sessions. Besides telling me it’s a tiring job, thank you for the 26 calls and 20 messages I unscrupulously missed. For triumphantly penning “I <3 i="" jesse="" u=""> on one of my Pol Sci photocopies and subsequently teasing me a hundredfold with, “My God, musulat kag ing-ani?”, while we both exactly know whose the culprit of the crime scene, for tolerating my way of pony tailing your hair, closer to that of Upin’s and Ipin’s, while blackmailing that you either love me no more or you love someone else the moment you removed it. So poor, ninja boy! Anyway, I just thought that you should know, you looked so sexy with that hair do on. Haha. For your babyish pleas that all I could do is give you a smirk, for your shameful, felt like trodden with million horse hooves, “thank you Te,” referring to my Mama after we’d taken our lunch.

I supposed the above mentioned were totally an understatement with the true scenario. But please, for heaven’s sake, could you please appreciate it? Haha. And before I end this post, I apologize that I vulgarized your usage of papaya soap. Anyhow, I’ve got plans of vindicating your name today. Guys, sorry for poisoning your senses but he’s actually using Dove Cream Bar. Hahaha.

Thank you for the things you’ve done and will be done. Much to my delight, thank you so much for loving me for me. Forever will I be thankful and forever will I glorify God’s meticulous plan of sending you to me. May this day be a rich soil for our seed of togetherness. Happy Valentine’s. Happy hundred and forty-seventh day! I love you kaayu!

Those were the days

Conversation #1

Juan: Hi mega!

Liting: Hello mego!

Juan: Mingaw nako nimu mega.

Liting: Wehhh?

Juan: Nah lage mega. Mao ganing ni-text ko nimu.

Liting: Kay ako ra man jud uy ka-text nimu.

Juan: Kay ikaw ra may akong ganahang ka-text mega.

Liting: Kay ako ra man puy mu-reply. Haha.

Juan: Maldita.

Liting: Wahaha!

Juan: Hahay.

Conversation #2

Juan: I miss you mega.

Liting: I miss you mega.

Juan: Buang.

Liting: Kinsay buang? Kinsay buang?

Juan: Ikaw. Kay imung gi-balik akong text.

Liting: Ahhh. Buang diay ha. Last text na ni. Bye!

Juan: Why?

Mega?

Mega? Sorry na.

Mega. Peace na ta please.

Please mega. Ayaw na pangisug.

Liting: Duhhh.

Juan: Isug much jud mega?

Mega? Peace na ta please?

Liting: Balak-an ka.

Juan: Mega ko. Huhu.

Liting: Kinsay buang?

Juan: Ako mega.

Liting: Nya ako? Unsa ko?

Juan: Gwapa ka mega. Ako ra ang buang.

Liting: Cge unsa pa? Dayiga pa ko. Haha.

Juan: You're sweet, thoughtful, cute, nice, pretty, God-fearing, hot, responsible, etc.

Liting: Dili ko ganahan sa hot.

Juan: Ay pasensya kau mega. Sorry kaayu.

Mega?

Kapuya pud cgeg lalis mega uy.

Mega please?

Isug much jud mega?

Liting: Hi mego! Pasinsha, gikan kong ga-drive.

Juan: Abi kog nangisug ka pag-ayo mega. Ayaw na pangaway ha.

Liting: Ingun ka last time, excited ka na awayun tikaw?

Juan: Dili nako excited mega. Kay murag totohanan man kang mangaway. Hehe.

Coversation #3

Juan: Ulan-ulan na pud. Ayaw paulan mega.

Liting: Ukie. Uli nako mego.

Juan: Amping mega. Ayaw paulan. Dili ra ba ka ninja.

Liting: Pwede mu-apply? Haha.

Juan: In order to become a ninja, you should love a ninja. Nya? Kaya ra?

Liting: Ahhh. Really? Ukie. Nevermind. Haha.

Juan: Ouch.

Liting: Hahaha!

Juan: Exempted nalang ka mega. Haha. i love you my ninja.

Liting: Wahaha! Agad2x mego?

Hey you! I know much have been changed between us. Right from our old mego and mega to mylove, from your erratum free text messages to your couldn’t-read-without-a-jumbled-letter-or-two all because you got a new touch screen phone, from your extra shy facial expressions and body gestures to your odor free, yet at a maximum volume fart, while your pointing finger is mischievously buried on one of the holes of your nose to dig some luxurious golds, from an avid fan of head and shoulders to switching to dove silky straight shampoo just because I told you so and among others.

Indeed, loops of change wrapped us but instead of murmuring against the wind, I’d rather call this a sweet and step by step process towards in depth getting to know and accepting each other. You never know, but all these summed up our romantic entangleness and somehow pamper us in a cute and charming way. Again, you never know but, what I felt for you is not just a rushing breeze of emotion. Heaven knows, my love for you will never fade down the hallway and that I couldn’t play games with your heart.

Another thing, thank you so much for the 26k kilig moments and for inspiring me over and over, for enduring my cardinal rules and for mending your fences well. I love you – forever I do. And like I said before, how I love to build my forever with you – that if God permits me to J

Sentido Kumon Kapatid!

Sino ka ba para makapang-husga't makapang-dikta? Diyos ka ba ha? Diyos ka ba?

Gustohin ko mang manahimik sa lahat ng kabi-kabilang pang-aalipusta, ngunit pagod na akong magpaka-bingi't pipi sa lahat ng mga batikos at maaanghang niyong salita.

Ganyan na ba kabagot ang buhay niyo't pati buhay ko'y pinag-uusapan niyo? Ganyan na ba ka-interesado ang buhay ko't pati mga maliliit na detalye'y pinagkaka-interesan niyo?

Para sa inyong kaalaman, MASAYA at KONTENTO ako sa kasulukuyan kong sitwasyon at taos puso kong pinapangalagaan 'to. Matiwasay na sana, eh. Subalit kayo lang! Kayo lang ang bukod-tanging nangenge-alam at gumaganap sa papel ng pinaka-kontribida sa mga pila ng kontrabida sa balat ng mundo.

Napag-desisyonan kong ipursige ang post na'to kasi nasasaktan na'ko. Nasasaktan ako kasi apektado ako sa lahat ng alegasyon nyo. Bagamat ang lahat ng ito'y pawang walang katotohanan, apektado ako kasi ang mga taong mahal ko'y apektado. Lahat ng 'yan ay dahil sa inyo. Pangmumura ba ang paborito niyong laro? Pwes! Mabulok na sanang pagkatao nyo.

Inuulit ko. Sino ka ba? Isa ka ba sa mga nagbasbas sa'kin pagka-silang ko sa mundo? May ideya ka ba sa lahat ng ginagawa't nararamdaman ko minu-minuto? Nilalasap mo bang parehong hanging nilalasap ko? Hawak mo bang kinabukasan ko? Pinagsawaan mo na bang mga pinagsawaan ko? Nanggaling ka na ba sa pinanggalingan ko? Kung hindi, sino ka ba para ipangalandakang ganito-ganyan ako?

Mahabag ka! Pati utak mo'y dinukot na ng polusyon. Mabuti siguro'y, magpa-konsulta ka na sa pinakamalapit na albolaryo.

Pakaantabayan mong karma mo. At lunurin ka sana ng inggit mo.

pero char lang! :D

So, so you

jmpwfzpv ♥

He was never a head turner nor a hot cutie in our school. He was never a crush ng campus and certainly not my knight in a shining armor. It's a good thing though, that he possessed this fair skin making his beauty to outstood among the bunch of guys he was with in (favoritism. sorry guyst! haha.) I thought he was just another guy. I thought he was rude and not nice. I even thought he was a she. I thought of these thoughts for quite some time, not until the day he dressed in tangerine, swathe with cologne with a fresh from the bed aura came. The next thing I knew, God is already scribbling the sequel of my love story.

Meet Mr. Juan. One who consistently denies that he's using a papaya soap even when he's already made buko by his younger sister two years ago. One who loves to call himself a Ninja, even with his slightly built body and underdeveloped skeletal and muscular system. One who claims his a good cook just when I admitted that I never cooked a day in my entire life. Someone who had an about 10cm long, small bundle of hair, which he carefully bread and locked with that dinky, little pink rubber band. One who gets irritated with the heat of the sun more than I do, but still endures the scorching heat so he can drive me to and fro school. Someone who is an alleged guy but in his pocket lies an Avon pressed powder and honestly said that he flips that because there was not a second that he was not conscious with his looks. Someone whose a little demanding, a little too jealous and yes! Someone who prays once in a while too; especially when he was still an engineering student back in his yesteryears. Someone who uttered a specific prayer, found it effective the moment his Mom bought him a bicycle, repeatedly uttered the same prayer just when he thinks he needs it, and finally! He got no other choice but memorize it. Someone who had a very soft, cotton-like texture hand. One who overly reacts at certain things; yet one who appreciates a lot and even appreciates the things that need not to be appreciated. Someone whose very eager to read a blog entry about him. Haha. Someone who told me that his only fear is being caught by a policeman because he's yet to acquire his driver's license but eventually parks at the side because he's afraid of the huge ceres bus behind us; who bravely confessed that he once dreamt of being an employee at either Jollibee Foods Corporation or Lee Super Plaza, even after receiving his bachelor's degree. One whose very onion-skinned – crying over a silly dream just like a baby crying over a spilled milk. One whose destined to conquer my heart. 

So it's you. Little by little, Mr. Juan's mysteriousness is revealed without him knowing that he gets me surprised and amazed everytime. His sweetness just flows naturally and everyday, he cuddles me with sweet thoughts, which lately I concluded, were just another castles of clouds. On the other hand, it seems as though every inch of him is exquisitely dainty that you'd thought, a single touch would break him. No wonder, Bethlyn, his younger sister, my bestfriend, reminded me to handle him with utmost care. (No problem bespren, you can count on me. Haha.) He's sorry for the things he's not accountable of. He'll thank me for no reason, he'll tell me he's so proud of me and tirelessly tells me that he needs, misses and loves me. He's just so gay, so childish, so funny, so talkative, so crazy, yet so cute, so sweet, so adorable, so loving, so caring and I just can't help but fell in love with him the more. God! Oh God. How could You let me love everything about him?

My only fear, however, is when a time will come that a woman with nine months inside would knock at my door and tell me that you're the father of the life she's been carrying. Kidding! Haha. Rephrase: My only fear  is when you would get away with me, as swiftly as how you came to me; when you would tell me you fell out of love with me as quickly as when you said you fell in love with me. Although bearing my wildest imaginations, three things are real sure: I'll fall in love with you everyday, I'll never get exhausted of saying "I love you" even if you'll get sick of that phrase and that nothing and no one would make me love you less.

To Jesse, with love. For our third weeksary – Every other day, I heart you.

A Woman's Question

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing

Ever made by the hand above--
A woman's heart, and a woman's life
And a woman's wonderful love?

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy,
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy?

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Man-like you have questioned me;
Now stand at the bar of my woman's soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart to be true as God's stars,
And as pure as heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef;
I require a far better thing.
A seamstress you're wanting for socks and shirts;
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called home,
And a man that the maker, God,
Shall look upon as he did the first
And say, "It is very good."

I am fair and young, but the rose will fade
From my soft, young cheek one day,
Will you love me then 'mid the falling leaves,
As you did 'mid the bloom of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and deep,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give all this, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot do this -- a laundress and cook
You can hire, with little to pay,
But a woman's heart and a woman's life
Are not to be won that way.

*This is a poem entitled A Woman's Question by Lena Lathrop. I have read this several times already. I just feel like posting it here because it makes me shiver and gets me inspired everytime. Enjoy reading :) 

Thy will be done

I should've invited him to come over Karla's house for our feasib overnight. I should've invited him to go to church the next day. But then it all happened just when I least expect it. Really. The love stage is one tough arena and I can honestly say that I failed again. Yes, I love him since day one. But if love means to let go, then be it.

Oh well, this stinging pain engrossed me again – almost same time, same reason, same downfall. I don't know why August came to me as bad as before. But one thing is for sure, I was willing and I strove hard to change my treatment and attitude towards him. As far as a business student is concerned, I did not want to risk my heart for a midget possibility that everything will be restored to life. Although bearing that, I still took the risk. I did tried. I partly changed; but, efforts were taken for granted right from the start and instead of regaining his eagerness, I was reaping his even colder treatment.

I kept on telling myself not to be disappointed because for the last few days, I know did my share – even if he cannot appreciate it. It's like one step forward and two steps back because everything I do makes him mad and an increasing cold treatment is at stake. I do not fully understand; but all I can do is to understand the situation the way he wants me to. And that the only remedy is the painful space – hoping so much we could work it out through apart yet too much afraid if the feelings for each other wouldn't be there anymore after some time. To God be the glory. *Sigh*

Sometimes I wish I could tell him how I dearly love and missed him. To tell him that I am utmost willing to change – even if he was already so sick of that line. I wish I could text him but I was afraid if he won't reply and was even more afraid if eventually he'll tell me likes someone else...just like before. I'm scared of the heartache I could possibly get. I'm scared because I was not certain of his response. I'm not prepared enough for history to repeat itself. But what makes me survive up to this moment is my heart – not literally beating; but my heart with the existence of deep thoughts I never envisioned could be found. I realized not to force myself and settle with someone who cannot settle with me and cannot found happiness with me anymore.

I hope this space made him happy.

I love him since day one. But if love means to let go, then be it – just keeping the agony within me.