For you mahal :)

Happy Monthsary! :)

“Why?” He asked. “Is there someone else?” He added, looking so puzzled. “Of course none! What are you?” I immediately replied. “Then why?” He insisted.

But that conversation appeared to be so uneasy to me. I just couldn't put into words what my mind dictated. Not only that. I’m too afraid if I’d burst into tears if I tried to speak.

“That’s… just it” I said, my voice now trembling.

Just then painful silence enveloped us. Tears welled up his eyes. I said no words but that stillness simply moved and hit him. He pleaded, begged and embraced me for the nth time but no, the situation seemed to no longer promise us a smooth relationship.

Series of tears effortlessly run through his cheeks. Seeing him like that subtlety crushed my heart. This isn't supposed to happen. I love him, I really do but I’m just too tired to fight at the moment that if he signaled to let go then I’d be more than willing to let him.

"I'm serious you know that, don't you?" I reassured.

“I can’t. I just… can’t,” he said while another bunch of tears journeyed down his face. Calmness in between us followed.

I don’t know what came to my senses but I tightly hugged and cradled him like a baby. This time, he went even harder.

Thus was four days ago. Now? We're celebrating our seventeenth month together. Yahoo! :-D

Mahal ko? I love you… this big. I’m sorry, I've gone coward that time. I’m sorry for the times I got so boring and superficial. I’m so sorry for those tears. I’m so sorry that I could not think of any peace offering to justify the shed tears. I'm even sorry for this dull post. Believe me, I tried hard to steal the silence between us but I chose to not to utter a thing because I knew I’ll regret them onwards. Never will I give up on us, mylove. Not anymore. I hope you will too.

Happy Seventeenth Monthsary Mahal! Nakasala ko maong gabinut-an ko or whatever that is you’re thinking, ikaw bahala. Basta love kaayu tikaw. God could testify that.

Just so you’ll know

Love you dutz!

Hundredths of thousandths could have commemorated the birth of Saint Valentine today. While some are busy preparing for a romantic-filled event, others couldn’t deny the fact that they are merely forced to buy roses, chocolates or a dinky little card due to the demand that this day brings. Silent few could have hovered around the corner and reiterating their bitter and grave experiences yet several could have thought that this is just another ordinary day and like any other unbranded days, it couldn’t be extended, not even an hour. True enough though. But today, I courageously chose to stare at the monitor and get my hands ready to type in anything what my brain dictates me. Sure thing, nothing and no one else occupies my hippocampus but him – only him.

Oh well, it was not so long ago since we piloted our first month together. Time elapsed. Things changed. Feelings deepened. Two, three, four months slipped by and still time swift by, things altered yet emotions were even deeper. And so here I am, trying to squeeze everything that needed to be squeezed and convey my heartfelt gratitude to him. Yes, my thank you list couldn’t compensate the four-month, fun-filled ride with you, but allow me to trumpet to the world how blessed and grateful I am for having you.

Hey! I couldn’t thank you enough for the t-shirt I sometimes borrow. For our trying hard cooking sessions and praising our own recipe because we felt so successful doing it, for reminding me that we belong to each other so that I should act accordingly and behave everytime, for spending quality time with me and for making me feel how special I am to you, for tirelessly telling me that forever will you love me, that the next girl you’ll love will be our daughter, that you’ll never have a change of heart and that you’ll never go away, of which I am not hundred and one percent certain that you’ve asserted those same perfect lines on one of your girls before. For giving me a hint with your weak spots so as to avoid your weeping-at-a-speed-of-light moments, for your blind obedience – following words I spit without you realizing that some of those are just part of my silly games. Thank you still, for your beautiful lie of telling me that you’ve deleted your collections of porns, semi-porns and the likes and you’re not watching them nor taking a sneak peak on them anymore  (Heaven knows and I know you still do).

For the corney, super corney and super duper corney jokes, for your unconditional patience of fixing your electric fan because I have negligently kicked one of the propellers, for remaining stern towards staying with me all through out while you fought with the many hurts and pains I caused you, and by all means, still staying gay and sweet despite everything, and for patiently waiting for me – so patient that even if that waiting feels like forever.

I’ve been a real bad girl, I admit it, but I thank you for taking care of us and for taking care of me better than I can. Thank you so much for not getting tired of us. Hope you never will. For keeping an eye on me before, during and after I was hospitalized, for uttering that effective prayer of yours that eventually, the physician told me I can go home the next day, for always being at my side even under time pressure, for shouting to the world wide web how much I mean to you and most especially for seeing me even with your eyes closed.

For generously sharing to me the other side of the coin, like BJ’s halagukoy (ancient term of ugly) and “Maayung Buntag Kapamilya” even on a sizzling afternoon, your avid status likers: Lowell’s “flippish.com”, Jhonsel’s “dating-gawi”, Ryan Cute’s “madaot akong skin” and even parcels of your past fairy-tale-like love stories of which I chose not to name names; perhaps because of some good reasons. And oh! Thank you so much for your fake listening to my piece of Romeo-Juliet plots; life is indeed so fair and square.

Well that did not hurt but, thank you for the slap in my face and for hitting me that broomstick. Just then I realized, walking out is never a solution to our melodramatic scenes and crying sessions. Besides telling me it’s a tiring job, thank you for the 26 calls and 20 messages I unscrupulously missed. For triumphantly penning “I <3 i="" jesse="" u=""> on one of my Pol Sci photocopies and subsequently teasing me a hundredfold with, “My God, musulat kag ing-ani?”, while we both exactly know whose the culprit of the crime scene, for tolerating my way of pony tailing your hair, closer to that of Upin’s and Ipin’s, while blackmailing that you either love me no more or you love someone else the moment you removed it. So poor, ninja boy! Anyway, I just thought that you should know, you looked so sexy with that hair do on. Haha. For your babyish pleas that all I could do is give you a smirk, for your shameful, felt like trodden with million horse hooves, “thank you Te,” referring to my Mama after we’d taken our lunch.

I supposed the above mentioned were totally an understatement with the true scenario. But please, for heaven’s sake, could you please appreciate it? Haha. And before I end this post, I apologize that I vulgarized your usage of papaya soap. Anyhow, I’ve got plans of vindicating your name today. Guys, sorry for poisoning your senses but he’s actually using Dove Cream Bar. Hahaha.

Thank you for the things you’ve done and will be done. Much to my delight, thank you so much for loving me for me. Forever will I be thankful and forever will I glorify God’s meticulous plan of sending you to me. May this day be a rich soil for our seed of togetherness. Happy Valentine’s. Happy hundred and forty-seventh day! I love you kaayu!

Those were the days

Conversation #1

Juan: Hi mega!

Liting: Hello mego!

Juan: Mingaw nako nimu mega.

Liting: Wehhh?

Juan: Nah lage mega. Mao ganing ni-text ko nimu.

Liting: Kay ako ra man jud uy ka-text nimu.

Juan: Kay ikaw ra may akong ganahang ka-text mega.

Liting: Kay ako ra man puy mu-reply. Haha.

Juan: Maldita.

Liting: Wahaha!

Juan: Hahay.

Conversation #2

Juan: I miss you mega.

Liting: I miss you mega.

Juan: Buang.

Liting: Kinsay buang? Kinsay buang?

Juan: Ikaw. Kay imung gi-balik akong text.

Liting: Ahhh. Buang diay ha. Last text na ni. Bye!

Juan: Why?

Mega?

Mega? Sorry na.

Mega. Peace na ta please.

Please mega. Ayaw na pangisug.

Liting: Duhhh.

Juan: Isug much jud mega?

Mega? Peace na ta please?

Liting: Balak-an ka.

Juan: Mega ko. Huhu.

Liting: Kinsay buang?

Juan: Ako mega.

Liting: Nya ako? Unsa ko?

Juan: Gwapa ka mega. Ako ra ang buang.

Liting: Cge unsa pa? Dayiga pa ko. Haha.

Juan: You're sweet, thoughtful, cute, nice, pretty, God-fearing, hot, responsible, etc.

Liting: Dili ko ganahan sa hot.

Juan: Ay pasensya kau mega. Sorry kaayu.

Mega?

Kapuya pud cgeg lalis mega uy.

Mega please?

Isug much jud mega?

Liting: Hi mego! Pasinsha, gikan kong ga-drive.

Juan: Abi kog nangisug ka pag-ayo mega. Ayaw na pangaway ha.

Liting: Ingun ka last time, excited ka na awayun tikaw?

Juan: Dili nako excited mega. Kay murag totohanan man kang mangaway. Hehe.

Coversation #3

Juan: Ulan-ulan na pud. Ayaw paulan mega.

Liting: Ukie. Uli nako mego.

Juan: Amping mega. Ayaw paulan. Dili ra ba ka ninja.

Liting: Pwede mu-apply? Haha.

Juan: In order to become a ninja, you should love a ninja. Nya? Kaya ra?

Liting: Ahhh. Really? Ukie. Nevermind. Haha.

Juan: Ouch.

Liting: Hahaha!

Juan: Exempted nalang ka mega. Haha. i love you my ninja.

Liting: Wahaha! Agad2x mego?

Hey you! I know much have been changed between us. Right from our old mego and mega to mylove, from your erratum free text messages to your couldn’t-read-without-a-jumbled-letter-or-two all because you got a new touch screen phone, from your extra shy facial expressions and body gestures to your odor free, yet at a maximum volume fart, while your pointing finger is mischievously buried on one of the holes of your nose to dig some luxurious golds, from an avid fan of head and shoulders to switching to dove silky straight shampoo just because I told you so and among others.

Indeed, loops of change wrapped us but instead of murmuring against the wind, I’d rather call this a sweet and step by step process towards in depth getting to know and accepting each other. You never know, but all these summed up our romantic entangleness and somehow pamper us in a cute and charming way. Again, you never know but, what I felt for you is not just a rushing breeze of emotion. Heaven knows, my love for you will never fade down the hallway and that I couldn’t play games with your heart.

Another thing, thank you so much for the 26k kilig moments and for inspiring me over and over, for enduring my cardinal rules and for mending your fences well. I love you – forever I do. And like I said before, how I love to build my forever with you – that if God permits me to J

Sentido Kumon Kapatid!

Sino ka ba para makapang-husga't makapang-dikta? Diyos ka ba ha? Diyos ka ba?

Gustohin ko mang manahimik sa lahat ng kabi-kabilang pang-aalipusta, ngunit pagod na akong magpaka-bingi't pipi sa lahat ng mga batikos at maaanghang niyong salita.

Ganyan na ba kabagot ang buhay niyo't pati buhay ko'y pinag-uusapan niyo? Ganyan na ba ka-interesado ang buhay ko't pati mga maliliit na detalye'y pinagkaka-interesan niyo?

Para sa inyong kaalaman, MASAYA at KONTENTO ako sa kasulukuyan kong sitwasyon at taos puso kong pinapangalagaan 'to. Matiwasay na sana, eh. Subalit kayo lang! Kayo lang ang bukod-tanging nangenge-alam at gumaganap sa papel ng pinaka-kontribida sa mga pila ng kontrabida sa balat ng mundo.

Napag-desisyonan kong ipursige ang post na'to kasi nasasaktan na'ko. Nasasaktan ako kasi apektado ako sa lahat ng alegasyon nyo. Bagamat ang lahat ng ito'y pawang walang katotohanan, apektado ako kasi ang mga taong mahal ko'y apektado. Lahat ng 'yan ay dahil sa inyo. Pangmumura ba ang paborito niyong laro? Pwes! Mabulok na sanang pagkatao nyo.

Inuulit ko. Sino ka ba? Isa ka ba sa mga nagbasbas sa'kin pagka-silang ko sa mundo? May ideya ka ba sa lahat ng ginagawa't nararamdaman ko minu-minuto? Nilalasap mo bang parehong hanging nilalasap ko? Hawak mo bang kinabukasan ko? Pinagsawaan mo na bang mga pinagsawaan ko? Nanggaling ka na ba sa pinanggalingan ko? Kung hindi, sino ka ba para ipangalandakang ganito-ganyan ako?

Mahabag ka! Pati utak mo'y dinukot na ng polusyon. Mabuti siguro'y, magpa-konsulta ka na sa pinakamalapit na albolaryo.

Pakaantabayan mong karma mo. At lunurin ka sana ng inggit mo.

pero char lang! :D

So, so you

jmpwfzpv ♥

He was never a head turner nor a hot cutie in our school. He was never a crush ng campus and certainly not my knight in a shining armor. It's a good thing though, that he possessed this fair skin making his beauty to outstood among the bunch of guys he was with in (favoritism. sorry guyst! haha.) I thought he was just another guy. I thought he was rude and not nice. I even thought he was a she. I thought of these thoughts for quite some time, not until the day he dressed in tangerine, swathe with cologne with a fresh from the bed aura came. The next thing I knew, God is already scribbling the sequel of my love story.

Meet Mr. Juan. One who consistently denies that he's using a papaya soap even when he's already made buko by his younger sister two years ago. One who loves to call himself a Ninja, even with his slightly built body and underdeveloped skeletal and muscular system. One who claims his a good cook just when I admitted that I never cooked a day in my entire life. Someone who had an about 10cm long, small bundle of hair, which he carefully bread and locked with that dinky, little pink rubber band. One who gets irritated with the heat of the sun more than I do, but still endures the scorching heat so he can drive me to and fro school. Someone who is an alleged guy but in his pocket lies an Avon pressed powder and honestly said that he flips that because there was not a second that he was not conscious with his looks. Someone whose a little demanding, a little too jealous and yes! Someone who prays once in a while too; especially when he was still an engineering student back in his yesteryears. Someone who uttered a specific prayer, found it effective the moment his Mom bought him a bicycle, repeatedly uttered the same prayer just when he thinks he needs it, and finally! He got no other choice but memorize it. Someone who had a very soft, cotton-like texture hand. One who overly reacts at certain things; yet one who appreciates a lot and even appreciates the things that need not to be appreciated. Someone whose very eager to read a blog entry about him. Haha. Someone who told me that his only fear is being caught by a policeman because he's yet to acquire his driver's license but eventually parks at the side because he's afraid of the huge ceres bus behind us; who bravely confessed that he once dreamt of being an employee at either Jollibee Foods Corporation or Lee Super Plaza, even after receiving his bachelor's degree. One whose very onion-skinned – crying over a silly dream just like a baby crying over a spilled milk. One whose destined to conquer my heart. 

So it's you. Little by little, Mr. Juan's mysteriousness is revealed without him knowing that he gets me surprised and amazed everytime. His sweetness just flows naturally and everyday, he cuddles me with sweet thoughts, which lately I concluded, were just another castles of clouds. On the other hand, it seems as though every inch of him is exquisitely dainty that you'd thought, a single touch would break him. No wonder, Bethlyn, his younger sister, my bestfriend, reminded me to handle him with utmost care. (No problem bespren, you can count on me. Haha.) He's sorry for the things he's not accountable of. He'll thank me for no reason, he'll tell me he's so proud of me and tirelessly tells me that he needs, misses and loves me. He's just so gay, so childish, so funny, so talkative, so crazy, yet so cute, so sweet, so adorable, so loving, so caring and I just can't help but fell in love with him the more. God! Oh God. How could You let me love everything about him?

My only fear, however, is when a time will come that a woman with nine months inside would knock at my door and tell me that you're the father of the life she's been carrying. Kidding! Haha. Rephrase: My only fear  is when you would get away with me, as swiftly as how you came to me; when you would tell me you fell out of love with me as quickly as when you said you fell in love with me. Although bearing my wildest imaginations, three things are real sure: I'll fall in love with you everyday, I'll never get exhausted of saying "I love you" even if you'll get sick of that phrase and that nothing and no one would make me love you less.

To Jesse, with love. For our third weeksary – Every other day, I heart you.

A Woman's Question

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing

Ever made by the hand above--
A woman's heart, and a woman's life
And a woman's wonderful love?

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy,
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy?

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Man-like you have questioned me;
Now stand at the bar of my woman's soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart to be true as God's stars,
And as pure as heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef;
I require a far better thing.
A seamstress you're wanting for socks and shirts;
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called home,
And a man that the maker, God,
Shall look upon as he did the first
And say, "It is very good."

I am fair and young, but the rose will fade
From my soft, young cheek one day,
Will you love me then 'mid the falling leaves,
As you did 'mid the bloom of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and deep,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give all this, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot do this -- a laundress and cook
You can hire, with little to pay,
But a woman's heart and a woman's life
Are not to be won that way.

*This is a poem entitled A Woman's Question by Lena Lathrop. I have read this several times already. I just feel like posting it here because it makes me shiver and gets me inspired everytime. Enjoy reading :) 

Thy will be done

I should've invited him to come over Karla's house for our feasib overnight. I should've invited him to go to church the next day. But then it all happened just when I least expect it. Really. The love stage is one tough arena and I can honestly say that I failed again. Yes, I love him since day one. But if love means to let go, then be it.

Oh well, this stinging pain engrossed me again – almost same time, same reason, same downfall. I don't know why August came to me as bad as before. But one thing is for sure, I was willing and I strove hard to change my treatment and attitude towards him. As far as a business student is concerned, I did not want to risk my heart for a midget possibility that everything will be restored to life. Although bearing that, I still took the risk. I did tried. I partly changed; but, efforts were taken for granted right from the start and instead of regaining his eagerness, I was reaping his even colder treatment.

I kept on telling myself not to be disappointed because for the last few days, I know did my share – even if he cannot appreciate it. It's like one step forward and two steps back because everything I do makes him mad and an increasing cold treatment is at stake. I do not fully understand; but all I can do is to understand the situation the way he wants me to. And that the only remedy is the painful space – hoping so much we could work it out through apart yet too much afraid if the feelings for each other wouldn't be there anymore after some time. To God be the glory. *Sigh*

Sometimes I wish I could tell him how I dearly love and missed him. To tell him that I am utmost willing to change – even if he was already so sick of that line. I wish I could text him but I was afraid if he won't reply and was even more afraid if eventually he'll tell me likes someone else...just like before. I'm scared of the heartache I could possibly get. I'm scared because I was not certain of his response. I'm not prepared enough for history to repeat itself. But what makes me survive up to this moment is my heart – not literally beating; but my heart with the existence of deep thoughts I never envisioned could be found. I realized not to force myself and settle with someone who cannot settle with me and cannot found happiness with me anymore.

I hope this space made him happy.

I love him since day one. But if love means to let go, then be it – just keeping the agony within me.

Ika-anim ng Agosto, ng taong kasalukuyan. Wala ng mas makabuluhan at hihigit pa sa araw na'to. Maliban sa masayang pamamasyal sa samu't-saring sites na hatid ng internet, sa malugod na pakikisama ng dysmenorrhea, sa naunang pagsuot ng sneakers bago ang skinny jeans, sa naiwang susi sa kabila ng isang naka-lock na pinto, sa 'di nakakapagod na apat na oras na paghihintay bago ang masigla at walang kayamot-yamot na Tax class, wow! Ang galing-galing! Ang saya-saya! Wala na'kong ibang mahihiling pa. Sarap mabuhay! Dahil dyan, nararapat sa'yo ang isang masigabong clap-clap.

Sa kabila ng lahat, isang malugod na 'thank you' para sa'king mahal, minamahal at mamahalin. Salamat sa tatlong mefenamic acid at Jollibee lunch treat. 'Di mo natatanong, laking tulong ng presensya mo sa napaka-masigasig na araw ko.

Pag-ibig. Pag-ibig. Pag-ibig.

Final Wave

One hundred fifty five days had passed. Seconds, hours, dragged my youthfulness but not the frame of my broken heart. Pain and frustrations had always been my companion all throughout those lifeless days. Although I started to live my life the way it should be, I could still, inevitably feel cold but hard whips every time I saw him. Whips that were even harder every moment I saw him blissfully chatting and the like with unfamiliar ladies.

That was just an ordinary day. Gossiping with friends, strolling along the pathway until our feet grew tired, stalking with our crushes – simply busy with nothings. That ordinary day turned unusual as a very familiar number flashed on the screen of my cellular phone. That instant broke my monotonous routine of reading-deleting messages. The word ‘chance’ that surfaced struck me intensely. I reread and reread with my whole soul, making sure that I was not in dreamland that very day. Just then, I came to my senses and concluded that that was real life. The next thing that happened was history.

All right, a circle of friends would laugh at me now. But I still love him – still loving him despite everything. I had no idea why or how, but I just do.

It’s been a while but yes, the feeling was still there. I don’t know when this carved feeling leave the corridors of my fragile heart. Or will it ever leave? I don’t know. Perhaps, I would rather raise the answer to the heavens.

Although I told him the exact opposite of what I truly felt, it didn’t rear much regrets (as expected). Countless reasons are behind that lie but I could only recount here those concrete ones. First, I promise to totally vanish in his life after that time. The wounds are still fresh and the pain is reawakened everytime. Second, I was thinking of what was beyond. I was dreaming of what might be over on the other side of the waves. Would it still be the same? Will love be lovelier the second time around? I bet not. I saw no restraint put upon that asked chance. At once, I wished to cling on to that; but no, the word didn’t promise me something new and wonderful. I saw no signs to believe on that sweet, sweet phrase. I wasn’t even given a reason to hang on. Third, although I love him this much, I thought it was now my time to save myself from further pain. Perhaps, I grew tired of getting my hopes up and then nothing will happen. From then on, never did I wish to suffer again and to wander on the wings of fantasy with high hopes of getting something on the high regions of the unknown. Fourth, those I-will-never-fall-in-love and enough-is-enough lines before will be thrown to dust. And finally, because I believe that I could still be at my best even without the person I wanted the most –this valiant heart, ready to sacrifice even my own happiness. Ridiculous, isn’t it? But believe me; that was for a good cause. I’m wishing him true happiness.

Sayonara!

Man of the Hour

He was rather tall with a body slightly bent forward. He has a fine, sharp nose and a slight curly hair which reminds me of one of my brilliant cousins who is now a licensed engineer, working abroad. His skin was so fair and his melancholic eyes are closer to that of the Westerners. His captivating smile matches every girl's fantasies, making me wanna wish his just mine.

It was a bright Monday morning– a good day to start the week right. That day was made even brighter just when I saw my Mr. Perfectly-Perfect eagerly posting his report in front. He started reading his assigned topic and glanced at his listening audience once in a while. He pronounced the words so well but I didn't mind listening at all since my attention was fixed on his amazing physique.

At the midst of his report, I was imagining weird things already– so weird that the time I shared it with one of my best pals, she just bursted out laughing and concluded that I was so childish. Hmmp! Anyhow, I don't have the plans to reveal here what I shared to her; perhaps because of some good reasons.

On the other hand, I don't wanna die a martyr because of my illusions. I decided not to give him meaningful glances anymore not because I don't like him; but because it is now time for my next class– maybe I can resume it the next time around. Haha :D

Worth the prize

It was a new day. Pink clouds were splashed into the wide, seemingly unending horizon. Its silver linings were made even brighter as Mr. Sun peeped through its edges. Cool morning breeze embraced me tightly reminding me of the approaching holiday season. Its unpredictable direction were revealed by the soft swaying of the coconut leaves.

I gathered my thoughts as I jumped onto our porch. There I saw the everlasting Mr. Sun, smiling brightly at us all. I smiled back at him as his heat were gently kissing my skin. I never love sunlight. Never in my life did I appreciated its existence. Its a funny thing how I loved watching those glittering beams of light as they dried the moist from those green leaves. Just then, I saw myself carving a smile on my face. I was thankful. I couldn't thank God enough for creating healthy days like this. It was during this day that I appreciated all of his lovely creatures. It was a brand, new day indeed.

My thoughts reeled back at him–wondering how he was. I started to flipped back the pages where we used to laugh together and both our hearts were beating as one. I could still recall how wonderful it is to be with someone you dearly love. I scanned a few pages and from there, flashed a memory of bitterness and heartaches. How I love to skip those pages; but I realized, like any other drama, life without hardships is tedious. It is through that hardships that I learned real-life lessons where books and the four corners of our classroom couldn't teach me.

I never regretted the day that we met nor did the day that we parted. Days with him were a blessing but days without him were even more precious and meaningful. The day he got away with me, I realized, there are a lot of people who would dare to talk with me and have a piece of my suffering despite of their heavy schedules.

I switched to another few pages and there I saw myself starting to pick up the pieces of what was broken. Some companions were pushing me up while some others were trying so hard to drag me down. It was at this moment where I finally came to my senses and summoned to myself that I will be less and less concerned of his well-being. Despite that, I never cursed a day because of him.

And then I found several blank, white pages. While looking at the pages left, I heard a faint voice from behind, incessantly telling me to go farther yet reminding me to shape my dreams without bursting other's goals. He told me that I have all the freedom to write anything in the remaining pages just as long as I am not spilling other's milk.

"Think vigorously before scribbling it to the last pages," He whispered. "And if it's worth it, a Nobel Prize is waiting for you out there," He added.

For the nth time

October 8, 2011 – 3:51am

Never had I imagined that by JUST reading through the lyrics of Goodbye by Iyaz, which Cherry had recently posted on my wall would make me weep again – weep for the nth time.

It's terrible how everytime memories of him crosses my mind, a tear or two would simply run through my cheeks, only then that I realized, I'm crying again – crying for the nth time.

Awful as it may sounds, but believe me, when I got to see familiar places, familiar foods, familiar acts, familiar shirts and scents, I would simply kneel, hold back and sought that I'm reminiscing again. Grasping and taking few glimpses again to that sweet, sweet past – recalling those seemingly unending times for the nth time.

Life is but unfair. How could that love fade so swiftly? Why do I miss him this badly? When in fact, at this very hour, he is fast asleep, with no other thoughts in mind but that system of him and maybe, just maybe, that girl he was blissfully talking about.

He's making it really, really hard for me. Texting him, seeing him around, hearing his voice and yells, seemed to drown me with so much pain – enveloping me with so much agony for the nth time. Though I salute myself how I happily approved and gave him advice with his lovelife-to-be, I was, for the nth time, fooling myself and pretending that I was fine.

The fact that I still miss him, did not hinder me to said those. I know what I feel. I know how to be matured now and this time, I know I was right when I uttered those words. Those seemingly jovial words for him; but appeared as a dagger to me, slowly slashing my already wounded heart, never ceases, until I expire.

STUPID! How I love to finally come to my senses now. When will that ever be?

Cute, Idle Post

Now I'm stuck here – staring blankly at the monitor. I couldn't think of anything to blog on. All I can manage to type in are merely imperfect thoughts from my imperfect mind.

Lately, I was preoccupied with so many stuffs to post on blogger.com. But all just faded to thin air and I just can't find a way to retrieve them all. Gosh!

Thus, I just would like to take this chance to feed all my cute abowman gadgets here. (i.e., kokak, ang BAO, groovy fish and my very cute hamster. Haha.) If they could just talk, they'll sure as hell complain about my being insentive of their presence. I'm pretty sure, they're all hungry now. So, I've got to feed them and make their tummies full. Haha :D

Nam-nam at Sans Rival

Sa kasagsagan ng bagyong Pedring at sa kalagitnaan ng sangkatutak na final exams namin sa mga major subjects, nakuha pa naming mag-unwind at mag-chibog sa isa sa mga prestihiyosong pastry shop sa lungsod ng Dumaguete – SANS RIVAL!

'Di inalintana ng humahalimuyak kong damit ang malamig na simoy ng hangin, patak ng ulan at malakas na kulog dala na rin ng nasabing bagyo. Bagkus, lugod kong tinamasa ang masayang sandali. (Haha, Ow-ey!)

Eto ang ilan sa mga pruweba:

Cute ko, noh? Grabeh! (Blog ko to! Bawal kumontra! Haha.)

Menu Book. Sosyal! Walang ganyan sa canteen! Haha.

Nababagot na'ko sa kaka-intay sa order ko. Tsk.tsk.

Kaya, picture muna. :)

Oh, di ba? Cute ko talaga! (Epal mo! Haha.)

Sa wakas, dumating na rin ang Special Hamburger ko. Haha.

Parang nasa bahay lang! Haha. Tapos na pala akong kumain n'yan. Sayang nga, eh. 'Di ko nakunan ng picture 'yung MGA inorder ko. Haha.

Sa lahat ng pics, ito 'yung the best! Sa korte pa lang ng mukha, kutis at iba pa, akung-ako na! Ako na talaga! Haha. Hindeh, friend ko 'yan. Kaya, GIVE CHANCE! Haha.

Kulang ng tatlo ang barkada. Ewan ko ba. Basta ang alam ko, 'yung isa, nakabinbin sa syota nya. Ewan ko na kung 'san napadpad 'yung dalawa.

Marahil eh, nagtataka ka sa misteryo ng pamagat kong "Nam-nam at Sans Rival." Well, ang salitang nam-nam ay pamana sa'kin ng isang taong, malikot kong pamangkin. Lahat ng salita nya ay puro isang pantig lang. At lahat ng pantig na 'yun ay puro repeated.

Example: Mam-mam. Na ang ibig sabihin ay, inum.

Nam-nam. Na ang ibig sabihin naman ay, kain.

Masayang pagbabasa! :)

Reality bites

I just had a nice talk with an old friend. We'll supposed to be together for almost three years now, but because of her current dilemma (I considered it her dilemma because I never wanted to happen it to her), the growing years that we're supposed to be blissful were cut short. The moment she told me her present situation, I was like, oh my! Was she just lying? Was what she said a way of catching my attention or whatever? But no! Tears welled up my eyes but I managed to hold it back. I really pity her. I wasn't and was never happy with her plight right now.

But I realized, no matter how kilometric my sympathy is for her, nothing will really change. And all I have to do is to accept the truth and well, pray for her and for her baby as well.

After a bit chatting with her, bunch of realization enlightened me. I couldn't thank her enough for such a great talk. I praise her for being so firm despite the kind of treatment she is getting with that creature. Through arrays of disappointments and frustrations she had been constantly receiving, I could still see within her eyes the beam of hope she had always asked for – the hope of changing that mammal.

I'll continue to pray for her. I hope her baby boy would not inherit his father's manners. I hope his father will realize how lucky he is to have my friend. I hope all these hopes will come true. :)

LAST to THIS Time :)

LAST TIME...

I was synthetic about my thoughts. I kept on pretending that I was strong; but behind all the uttered fierce words is a weak heart that silently cries in the corner.

I usually walked out and ran away when things aren't going my way – leaving it unsolved and as it is.

I used to count on the mistakes of other people and treating those as their trademark. I was not a perfectionist. I was merely inconsiderate.

I was up to what I can get. I don't care what other people would feel nor say about me, just as long as I get what I want.

I was heartless. I was rude. I was foolish. I was numb. I was just good to those people who are also good to me.

I normally stick to the present. I didn't mind what's heading after me.

I Love Yous, I Miss Yous, I Cherish Yous were the words I usually struggled for.

Last time... It was him.

THIS TIME...

I will be true. Not just with the way I feel but also to those people whom I know will always be there for me. There's no need for me to pretend. I will not be afraid to cry in front of the hostil critics. Being frustrated and in pain is hard but I realized, it's far harder when you just keep it to yourself. I'll be open to every happy opportunities that's waiting for me. Happiness will find me.

I'll strongly face my problems and I'll draw myself closer to God. He knows everything and I believe that He answers my prayers even before I ask for it.

I'll be more understanding. Considerations will now be a part of my tradition.

I will be looking forward to what I can give rather than focusing on what I can get. I will still not be a fan of creating a good corporate image; all I want to furnish right now is to be sincere. I'll bear in mind that everything you ask for will be yours; conversely, it is just a matter of time. Patience will be test this time and of course, the future depends on what I bring to it.

I will be sweeter. I'll be more loving, more caring and compassionate. I swear I'll be giving and more forgiving.

I'll keep an eye not just with what I have today; but more importantly, I'll be more cautious and concerned with what I will be in the years to come.

I Love Yous, I Miss Yous, I Cherish Yous and all of the other three-worded-sweet-phrases will be the words I'll be fighting for.

This time... It is still him :(

P.S. But I believe, someone's heart was meticulously sculptured by God to pair with mine. I'll wait for him no matter what.

GODSPEED!

Yawyaw 105

"Now I made it through the weather; BETTER days are gonna get BETTER."

I don't have to fool myself. There's no need for me to do it. Nine days to go, and it's already one month since we broke up; but it feels like it was just yesterday since we parted. It still pains me. Seems like pain and frustration has always been my companion.

I kept telling myself to open up my eyes and realize to love and value myself even more. FOCUS on the things that make me happy and make a new concept of genuine happiness. Happiness that is way better than those memories and laughters we once shared. I know, in God's time, everything will be fine. I will be fine. I don't have to question why God did this to me. Cge lang, I will still continue to pray. Pray for him and for me.

Just when I thought that I was done scraping all the tears I had, it was also then that I realized, all tears shed were still not enough. It was too late for me to realize how foolish I am. Too late for me since he's not there anymore.

I can't stop crying now. Big thanks to Cherry, Kuya Pierce and Rolyn Jane for the comfort and advices. To Japhet also, for teasing me a hundredfold.

Tears :(

MOVING ON

No more rooms for softness. No more rooms for pains and hard feelings. No more rooms for hopes and chances. No more rooms for tears. No more rooms for sympathies. No more wounds, only scars. It's a high time for me to move on and leave the past – sweet and bitter past behind.

I swear this will be the last time I'll be making a post about you. I swear I'll forget everything about you. I swear I cherished everything we've been through. I was wounded. I was hurt. I was left barely breathing. I was broken.

You're still a part of me. A part of my history. A part of my once wounded heart. I thank you for everything. For making me strong and for giving me the courage to go on with my life without you. It hurts. It was hard. Really hard. But I have to be strong because I know that there are perfect things waiting for me out there – things that are worth of who I am and what I am capable of doing. Perfect things that will still remain perfect despite of my insufficiencies.

Losing you was a great torment. But I have to move on. I need to move on. I have to fasten my seat belt and take the flight for a brighter tomorrow. Thank you for the pain.

Stand firm, be happy, grow, move on, practicality, for a better me.

Letter with ♥

To my future boyfriend:

What took you so long to finally found me? I've been waiting for you for the longest time and I've been stuck here, longing for you. How I wish you're here beside me, to comfort me and give warm to my ever tedious winter season. How I wish you're hear, ready to pick up the pieces of me. How I wish to hug you with all my might, making you feel how much I love you and how lucky I am to have you. How I wish to have you here with me soon. How I wish to have all these wishes come true.

Despite that, I'll be right here waiting for you. Just waiting for you. Only you. I swear I'll be waiting for you tirelessly. I swear I'll be sweeter and more caring. I'll be a good girl and I promise to take care of you better than you can. I will love you for the rest of my life and I promise you will only be my one and only.

We'll laugh through all our ups and we'll still stand through all our downs. We'll both raise our glasses up through all our victories and tragedies. We'll be happy and we'll make our relationship ever colorful and stronger each day.

I'll wait for you. I swear I will not do anything that'll break my vow. This I promise you.

Your future girlfriend,

Lycel :)

Yawyaw 104

A friend of mine once told me, "Kung makadamgo kang gi-kasal ka, meaning ana, hapit naka mamatay." (If you dreamt that you are wedded, your death is nearing)

"Gosh! May gane wala pako kadamgo ana," (Gosh! Good thing I wasn't able to dream that yet) she added with mere delight. She got this from her lesson Dream Interpretations in her Psychology class.

Poor Lycel was left hanging and guessing. "Was there a time I dreamt like that?" I smirked and added, "I hope not."

We continued walking while she was discussing things she learned from her Psychology teacher. Her teacher doesn't have a big mouth but she has a say on everything. She could talk "kilometrically" as what my friend described her. By all means, she could survive talking the whole day even without filling her tummy. She's extraordinary. At a first glance, you can't tell that she is pretty. But once her mouth started to talk, you will really envy her being eloquent and spontaneous.

"She's a nice teacher," she justified.

I believe in her. That sometimes, I regretted the day I alter my schedule during the enrollment. "That's what you get in fooling us," she taunted me. Monotonously, I feel like a rat cornered by a hungry cat everytime she dropped those mockery. Monotonously, I couldn't find any word to fight such mockery. Haha. Wawa naman ako.

To cut it short, I recently dreamt of riding a pedicab with two strangers. I can't really figure if that was really a dream or whatever.

Beside me was a lady wearing a gown. A wedding gown to be specific. In front of us was a man. I supposed, that was her groom. We were talking about superstitious beliefs before, during and after the wedding. I don't know them anyway.

As I was busy chatting with them, I realized, I was also wearing a wedding gown. The pedicab was running at a moderate speed. No matter how I turn my head, I just couldn't recognize the driver. I presumed, it was Jisphert. Haha.

I was teary eyed, the time I told him the story. He kept on saying that that was just a dream and it was not true. He told me that he had also dreamt that way, several times already. "Look at me now, I'm still alive," he bragged.

I believed in him. But something in my hypothalamus tells me that it was just his way of comforting me. It was indeed, a nice conversation. That was one of those few conversations I would dearly miss on the days to come. tsk.tsk. Haha.

Anyhow, I did not gave up in searching for the real meaning of that dream. I googled it and there I found that it symbolizes a new beginning or transition in a current life. This often refers to feelings of bitterness, sorrow or death. Alternatively, wedding dreams reflect issues about commitment and independence.

I shrugged my shoulders pragmatically and finally came up with a realization that it was true. A feeling of bitterness to myself. Feeling of sorrow to everything I recklessly used and wasted and the death of my heart.

It was time to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. Again. Someday, somewhere, i still believe that someone will still help me gather those parcels for me. My one true love. I'll wait for you. Please don't take it too long.