For the longest time, I kept my mouth shut with all the pains I had deep within; I believe this is now the best time to unravel it all.
August 18, 2011 – that was supposed to be a happy day for us. Supposed to be. Yes. You read it right. That was supposed to be our ninth monthsary. But little did I know that that was the very day I commemorated the death of my heart.
I shed tears, of course. Who wouldn’t be sad? Now I realized, it’s not a matter of winning or losing when you’re in a relationship. Love, trust and understanding – that’s what really matter. The sad part, however, I just realized all those things the time he wasn’t there anymore.
EXHAUSTED. I reckoned he’s already worn-out with all my unfulfilled promises to him. Tired of waiting for me in the office while the merciless me is already home. Tired of understanding my childish attitude and behavior. Tired of waiting for my text while I’m busy texting my friends. Tired of waiting for my likes and comments on his FB account. Tired of following me when I walked out and ran away from him. Tired of saying sorry though it was not his fault. Tired of expecting that I will change for him. Tired of everything about me.
I was ruthless, heartless and foolish. I took him for granted because I thought he will always and forever be there. But no! That was just a thought. It’s even surprising how he stand through me for almost nine months. Poor Jisphert. I don’t deserve his love.
CHANGE. No matter what he says, I tried to change. Tried. Really. To the point that I grew tired of trying to change for him. But this is me. No one could really change me, but me alone. That if I am willing to do so. Not that I am not willing to do it; but, I just couldn’t find an enough reason and motivation to do it.
HATE. That’s what I am feeling now. And I don’t know when will be the time that I could finally alter it. I hate myself for being like this. I hate the way I wasted the love and care of someone whom, I think, every girl out there would dream of. I hate myself for losing someone who caress and love me more than I anticipated. I hate myself for dropping a relationship that was once close to perfection. I hate myself for losing him that way. I hate being a liar. I caused him so much pain and I hate it when I see him cry because of me. I hate everything about me. Dammit!
MOVING ON. How I wish to finally get there. But I know, there are so many things I need to exceed before going there. I love him. Still. That’s all I know for now. This was my decision and I have to stand firm with it. Where had all my toughness gone? It feels awkward when I’ll say it hurts. But yes, it is. It pains me more than the way he felt. I wonder what we are now if I did not spit those words. Hurtful words. Will it still be the same? I bet not.
Well anyway, he’s happy now. And all I have to do is to be happy for him too. I wanted to cry; but I ran out of tears now. ACCEPT. It’s the best thing I can do.