Friday, August 26, 2011

Yawyaw 104

A friend of mine once told me, "Kung makadamgo kang gi-kasal ka, meaning ana, hapit naka mamatay." (If you dreamt that you are wedded, your death is nearing)

"Gosh! May gane wala pako kadamgo ana," (Gosh! Good thing I wasn't able to dream that yet) she added with mere delight. She got this from her lesson Dream Interpretations in her Psychology class.

Poor Lycel was left hanging and guessing. "Was there a time I dreamt like that?" I smirked and added, "I hope not."

We continued walking while she was discussing things she learned from her Psychology teacher. Her teacher doesn't have a big mouth but she has a say on everything. She could talk "kilometrically" as what my friend described her. By all means, she could survive talking the whole day even without filling her tummy. She's extraordinary. At a first glance, you can't tell that she is pretty. But once her mouth started to talk, you will really envy her being eloquent and spontaneous.

"She's a nice teacher," she justified.

I believe in her. That sometimes, I regretted the day I alter my schedule during the enrollment. "That's what you get in fooling us," she taunted me. Monotonously, I feel like a rat cornered by a hungry cat everytime she dropped those mockery. Monotonously, I couldn't find any word to fight such mockery. Haha. Wawa naman ako.

To cut it short, I recently dreamt of riding a pedicab with two strangers. I can't really figure if that was really a dream or whatever.

Beside me was a lady wearing a gown. A wedding gown to be specific. In front of us was a man. I supposed, that was her groom. We were talking about superstitious beliefs before, during and after the wedding. I don't know them anyway.

As I was busy chatting with them, I realized, I was also wearing a wedding gown. The pedicab was running at a moderate speed. No matter how I turn my head, I just couldn't recognize the driver. I presumed, it was Jisphert. Haha.

I was teary eyed, the time I told him the story. He kept on saying that that was just a dream and it was not true. He told me that he had also dreamt that way, several times already. "Look at me now, I'm still alive," he bragged.

I believed in him. But something in my hypothalamus tells me that it was just his way of comforting me. It was indeed, a nice conversation. That was one of those few conversations I would dearly miss on the days to come. tsk.tsk. Haha.

Anyhow, I did not gave up in searching for the real meaning of that dream. I googled it and there I found that it symbolizes a new beginning or transition in a current life. This often refers to feelings of bitterness, sorrow or death. Alternatively, wedding dreams reflect issues about commitment and independence.

I shrugged my shoulders pragmatically and finally came up with a realization that it was true. A feeling of bitterness to myself. Feeling of sorrow to everything I recklessly used and wasted and the death of my heart.

It was time to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. Again. Someday, somewhere, i still believe that someone will still help me gather those parcels for me. My one true love. I'll wait for you. Please don't take it too long.

Almost there

For the longest time, I kept my mouth shut with all the pains I had deep within; I believe this is now the best time to unravel it all.

August 18, 2011 – that was supposed to be a happy day for us. Supposed to be. Yes. You read it right. That was supposed to be our ninth monthsary. But little did I know that that was the very day I commemorated the death of my heart.

I shed tears, of course. Who wouldn’t be sad? Now I realized, it’s not a matter of winning or losing when you’re in a relationship. Love, trust and understanding – that’s what really matter. The sad part, however, I just realized all those things the time he wasn’t there anymore.

EXHAUSTED. I reckoned he’s already worn-out with all my unfulfilled promises to him. Tired of waiting for me in the office while the merciless me is already home. Tired of understanding my childish attitude and behavior. Tired of waiting for my text while I’m busy texting my friends. Tired of waiting for my likes and comments on his FB account. Tired of following me when I walked out and ran away from him. Tired of saying sorry though it was not his fault. Tired of expecting that I will change for him. Tired of everything about me.

I was ruthless, heartless and foolish. I took him for granted because I thought he will always and forever be there. But no! That was just a thought. It’s even surprising how he stand through me for almost nine months. Poor Jisphert. I don’t deserve his love.

CHANGE. No matter what he says, I tried to change. Tried. Really. To the point that I grew tired of trying to change for him. But this is me. No one could really change me, but me alone. That if I am willing to do so. Not that I am not willing to do it; but, I just couldn’t find an enough reason and motivation to do it.

HATE. That’s what I am feeling now. And I don’t know when will be the time that I could finally alter it. I hate myself for being like this. I hate the way I wasted the love and care of someone whom, I think, every girl out there would dream of. I hate myself for losing someone who caress and love me more than I anticipated. I hate myself for dropping a relationship that was once close to perfection. I hate myself for losing him that way. I hate being a liar. I caused him so much pain and I hate it when I see him cry because of me. I hate everything about me. Dammit!

MOVING ON. How I wish to finally get there. But I know, there are so many things I need to exceed before going there. I love him. Still. That’s all I know for now. This was my decision and I have to stand firm with it. Where had all my toughness gone? It feels awkward when I’ll say it hurts. But yes, it is. It pains me more than the way he felt. I wonder what we are now if I did not spit those words. Hurtful words. Will it still be the same? I bet not.

Well anyway, he’s happy now. And all I have to do is to be happy for him too. I wanted to cry; but I ran out of tears now. ACCEPT. It’s the best thing I can do.