Monday, August 30, 2010

I had always believed that keys pave their way on opening locked doors; conversely, because of that key, I wasted a barrel of tears and locked a relationship with my older brother.

I was supposed to believe that it was a peaceful evening. I was texting my soon to be sister in law when suddenly, my brother intently throw before me the metal key that he had been looking for, for almost three days already. (By the way, he used to bring that key because he always come home late.) He had been so suspicious that I was really the one who stole and kept it. Everytime we meet, he always give me those piercing eyes, like he wanted to eat me- fully.

"I didn't get it. Maybe you just misplaced it."– This statement is also what I had been repeating but he just couldn't believe me. He is really like that. He used to stick on his thoughts even if it's obvious that he is wrong. He is hot headed- as always. I can even rarely see him smiling on us. But with her girlfriend around, naku! Abot-tenga ang ngiti.

Anyhow, to cut the story short, a million thanks to Lola. The punches and slaps that was supposed to be mine was given to her. Ahhh... kawawa naman si Lola. Well, it only proves that she really cares for me. This scenario has also been recurring for I think, 12 years already, from the time that I celebrated my Awareness Day. Thanks La! You're the best...

Until now, my relationship with my brother is still unfixed. However, I believe that this is for the better for I know that, mag-sumpaki lang japun me. Mas maayo pang dili nalang me mag-tagdanay para magpabiling mingaw ang payag. Hahai!

Friday, August 27, 2010

How do I breathe without you here by my side? How will I see when your love brought me to the light? Where do I go when your heart's where I lay my head? When you're not with me, how do I breathe, how do I breathe?

It feels so different being here,
I was so used to being next to you,
Life for me is not the same,
There's no one to turn to.
I don't know why I let it go too far,
Starting over - it's so hard.
Seems like everywhere I try to go,
I keep thinking of you.

I just had a wake up call,
Wishing that I never let you fall,
Baby you are not to blame at all.
when I'm the one that pushed you away.
Baby if you knew I cared,
You'd have never went nowhere (nowhere),
Girl I should've been right there.

How do I breathe
Without you here by my side?
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go
When your heart's where I lay my head?
When you're not with me,
How do I breathe?
How do I breathe?

Girl I'm losin' my mind.
Yes I made a mistake.
I thought that you would be mine.
Guess the joke was on me.
I miss you so bad, I can't sleep.
I wish I knew where you could be.
Another dude is replacing me,
God this can't be happening.

I just had a wake up call (call),
Wishing that I never let you fall (fall),
Baby you are not to blame at all.
When I'm the one that pushed you away
Baby if you knew I cared (cared),
You'd have never went nowhere (nowhere),
Girl I should've been right there.

(And I wonder...)
How do I breathe
Without you here by my side?
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go
When your heart's where I lay my head?
When you're not with me (I'm saying),
How do I breathe?
How do I breathe?

I can't get over you, no
Baby I don't wanna let go, no
Girl you need to come home
Girl come back to me
'Cause girl you made it hard to breathe
When you're not with me.

(Tell me)
How do I breathe
Without you here by my side?
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go (where do I, where do I go)
When your heart's where I lay my head?
When you're not with me,
How do I breathe?

How do I breathe?
[Some speaking starts]
Without you here by my side?
How will I see (how will I see)
When your love brought me to the light (baby, baby)?
Where do I go (where do)
When your heart's where I lay my head?
When you're not with me (you're not with me),
How do I breathe (how do I breathe)?
How do I breathe?

Make sense?

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

With nothing but my t-shirt on...

Nothing to lose! Today, I am task by my teacher in Socio to report the other socializing agencies of Socialization. Nervousness run through my veins as I and Donna set our visual aids in the blackboard.

But before that, this feeling started as I was walking towards our classroom. My world turned in slow motion when I saw my crush. He appeared to be the Waze Lei in Meteor Garden due to his pose. While his leg is resting on the floor, the other one is bent and positioned on the wall while he was reading his notes. What makes the show more interesting was that, he stop reading, stood up, and stare at me as I was taking my uneasy steps.

I suppose, this guy isn't just MY crush because it seems as though, all of my girl classmates were hooked on his "chinito and seryoso" aura.

My once calm knees became tense. My steps eventually became light and springy. I continue walking as if those looks don't mean anything to me. Hmmm...

I headed straight to the door and opened it. To my surprise, my crush followed me and we entered the classroom together. Weee!

Donna was able to witness the show. She then teased me saying, "Uy kilig, uy kinikilig!" I was supposed to get angry and intimidated with her jokes. But with the kind of joke that she thrown on me, it appeared to be a lucky charm and encouraged me to strike a good pose and be good with my report.

As I was imagining myself talking in front while my crush is listening to me intently, I was disturbed by a girl who recently passed by. Oh my gas! What the? We both wore the same t-shirt. Same brand, same color, same size and perhaps, same purchased in Lee Plaza worth P79.95.

A classmate directly noticed us. I wanted him to shut up so that my crush won't notice it. But no matter what I do, he just couldn't stop his mockery. I don't want to be angry. "I will just leave a negative impression towards my crush," I said to myself. So, I took it as a good sport, and join with the laughter.

The roll was so swift. I just realized it begun just when Donna had already finished her report. And so, it was my time. I first glanced at him and started my report. I wonder why I felt so panic when in fact, I never suffer like this before.

Each time I glimpse at him, I grasped his wonderful eyes and perfect smile. What I picture out lately was realized. I was so happy! He really is listening to me intently. Oh God! Pigilan mo'ko! Pigilan mo'ko!

I ended my report with a simple glance at him. Still, I was able to capture his stunning looks.

"That was a very good report," Dr. Tan asserted. What happened summed up my happiness.

I realized, daydreaming isn't that bad just as long as you know from the start that it would really ensue. hehe:)) And even if I wore an identical t-shirt with my classmate, I know that she will never get identical stare from the guy I call my ultimate crush.

Thursday, August 19, 2010


The first time I saw you, I thought you were good-looking. But I finally came to my senses. "Papalapit nang papalapit, pumapangit." That's what you are. AWH...TCH...

(That pangit term doesn't really mean that he looks one. I just don't like him. Nothing else.)

I can still vividly remember, it was a cold Wednesday morning. I wasn't able to wake up early because, the meeting last Tuesday was so long that it took us 48 years until it finally adjourned. (awh? uber!) And since it's a chilly weather, my biological clock accentuated with it.

While going to school, I already apprehended that I'll be late with my 7AM P.E class. And so was it. But despite the thought, I still joined it considering the fact that, checking of attendance will be at the end of the class.

I was late. I headed at the last column. I was expecting that no one will partner with me since I was late and there is scarcity of boys in our time. Luckily, a boy approached me and muttered that he will be my partner.

Yes! His good in memorizing steps. He was the one who taught me with those irritating steps of CariƱosa. Though the fact that I hate dancing traditional dances, I welcomed it with a smile delight because my partner is good with it.

Until that day came. A realization knocked at my door when he partner with me again that Monday morning even if he knows that someone is beside me already waiting to be my partner.

That was the first thing that made me irritate with his presence. Before our practice started, he asked me with so many questions like, what's my name, what's my course, what's my vacant time, what time will I go home, etc.

My classmates even teased us because they noticed that this boy looked at me straightly and asked me intently. "Uy! Getting to know each other," they asserted. Duh! Whatever!

Wednesday came. I decided to absent in our class because my P.E shirt and short is still wet. And chiefly because, I don't want to see that boy-- ever again. Seeing him would surely spoil my day.

In the afternoon, I and a friend of mine decided to take our snacks near the CIT. We were so blissful then. Talking with so many things that happened that day. After we took our snacks, we directly departed-- still laughing. Until we realized that someone is walking after us. When I look back, I was stunned to know that my P.E classmate and a friend of him is after us. Oh my! What the?

We walk faster then I proceeded to the TN office so that he cannot follow anymore.

I then shared to my friend the infuriating story. Apparently, she was more displeased than I do. Awh:)

Well then, I hope that mammal won't disturb me anymore. Please Lord, help me find my soul-partner. A gay would do...

Also, help him to search his new partner, Lord. But please don't allow him to choose me again. huhu:(

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Best Actress in a Pretending Show

Acting has always been my worst nightmare.

I had always believed that I don't have the talent when it comes to acting. Since elementary, I just used to be the narrator or an extra-extra character of our play.

Looking back, I was once appointed by my teacher to play the role of Sisa in "Sisa and her Sons."-- way back when I was in grade four. She lets me to practice in front of my boastful classmates.

"Basilio! Crispin! My sons. Where are you?" I yelled.

Standing in front of, more or less fifty pairs of eyes, I'm really having a hard time making my performance the way my teacher is expecting. But no matter what I do, and no matter how much effort I exerted, it always end up in failure. Hence, at the end of the day, she chose another pupil to play as Sisa, and poor Lycel as JUST the narrator.

However, on a brighter side, even if I was replaced to act the main character of the show, I'm still happy because through that, I know that our presentation will be better. Far off when it was pursued as me as Sisa.

Unfortunately for me, this dilemma seems to repeat itself. Last Tuesday, I was selected by our leader in our English class to take the role of Laura in our Florante at Laura-like drama. I never know what is his basis in choosing me as one.

Before the selection proper, I already expected that I'm gonna play the less significant character of the story. On the other hand, he chose me as my most hated position of the show.

"You'll play the main character," he asserted. "So, be good," he added.

I don't know how to react. I was tongue-tied when his words stoke my ego. I was really hesitant to do it. Feels like, a heavy burden is set on my shoulders. And I don't have the idea how to go on. Especially when Ma'am Divinagracia told us that a grade of one will be the grade of all and our presentation will surely be the first and the last.

Despite these tingling thoughts, I still manage to smile. Pretending to be fine but in reality, was really hesitant to make it. Convincing myself that I was chosen as Laura because I'm the cutest of all the members of the group. Or, everything will be okay because I know Forante is good-looking-- like me. Wiw! Oh God!

Since my nightmare is repeating, I'm also hoping that I will be replaced by someone better.

So, help me God...

Friday, August 13, 2010

We are all but like bubbles in a huge basin – beautiful to look at but sensitive to touch. Too bad, your bubble was the first to pop before everyone else’s did. Farewell couz. We will miss you!

My childhood days were colored with fun and games. My usual playmates were my cousins. We loved to play “balay-balay” under an old santol tree beside the ancestral house of my grandma. We would also ride on our bicycles and play hide-and-seek.Unfortunately, I can’t always play with my favorite pal since he is living in However, if he will have a chance to visit me, we will play to our utmost potential since we both know that the time for us to see each other again is far off.When I stepped on my second year high school, I felt a strange feeling towards him. A feeling that I am sure I hadn’t felt before. When I was younger, I thought that we were of the same age and we will get old together. We will do the same things, in the same manner, in the same time. Conversely, I realized that he got mature faster than I thought he would. He became used to do the things, which I believe only mature people can do. I felt I was so left out. But despite that, I still considered him as my best pal.Within those days, I apprehended that I must act like a full-grown being too. In the same light, during those times, I engaged in affiliations because I thought, that would be my evidence to prove that I am finally a mature person.Unluckily, I suffered stern heartaches because of engaging into a serious relationship. I gave him the love that he deserved from me but it ended up in a fiasco since he can’t even take me seriously. One night, while being emotional about what happened, he surprised me by entering into my room without any permission. Being astonished, I was tongue-tied with his presence. To my surprise, I cannot find the words that I need to say. It’s as if I was left out by a new civilization that I was not able to defend myself and narrate why I acted that way. He approached me by singing “First love, never dies!” I was hell lot intimidated and I couldn’t find any angle to shield myself from such mock. From then on, when we meet at random places, he would sing that song with such intent of irritating me. Still, starting that time, he began calling me “gwapa.” Maybe because he just wanted to take back all the irritations that I felt every time he teased me. I didn’t mind to react at all. Days later, I just found out that we were able to regain the bond that we had before.

Hours became days and weeks became months yet we stayed the same. We still can’t see each other that often but I still considered him as my best friend. I started learning to live my every day life without his presence. But yes! Missing him can never be out of the show.

Until one morning, I was outraged by the news of Lola. “Dodong met an accident. He’s in the Holy Child hospital right now,” she muttered.“Let’s go apo and visit your cousin,” she added.I dreaded the thought of going with her in the hospital. I thought that was just a mild motor accident that anybody else could have ever experienced. “No, Lola. I don’t feel like going. I’d rather stay home,” I asserted. While watching TV, I was disturbed by a beep from my cell phone. It was my brother’s name who flashed on the screen. “Tell papa to come here in the hospital. Dodong is severely wounded and his right ear is incessantly bleeding. Tell him to come immediately before everything is too late.” I was struck by a tremendous shock. I ran straight to Papa and told him about it. I went together with him, without even remembering that I hadn’t taken a bath that day. We instantly drove to Child Hospital and hastily went to the ICU where we caught him half dead and hopeless. I can’t look at him straightly because it seems like we’re now just waiting for his time to bid goodbye.

A scornful sorrow enveloped my whole being. I never wanted to think of entailing hurtful goodbyes to him. I never wanted to be away from him. I never wanted to see him endure the pain. I never wanted to see my aunt and uncle weep because of him. I never wanted to witness the sadness of our whole family. Most of all, I never wanted not to see him anymore, again.

That afternoon, Auntie, Uncle, Fey (Dodong’s girlfriend not her real name), Jade (my nephew) and I were all together called by the physician. Tensions flew through my veins as we entered his office. With a saddened voice, the doctor began to speak.“Are you his sister?” he asked me.“No, doc. I’m his cousin,” I replied.

Series of questions were raised by the doctor and then finally he uttered, “The only chance for him to survive is through a miracle. But like it or not, there’s a big possibility that he will not make it.” His statement was as fast as lightning and as painful as a dagger pierced through the left ventricle.

Tears ran down from Auntie’s face. “Is there anything you could still do, Doc?”

Auntie sat down with a sorrowful face. “We’ll pay you any amount. Just save my son. Please,” she begged.

“Even if you’ll bring him to the best physician, most probably, the outcome would still be the same,” he frankly answered.

We hopelessly went out of his office – all drowning in a river of frustration and reluctance.

All of us proceeded to the ICU and cried our hearts out. I was more concerned of Auntie since it would be her birthday the next day. She sat beside me, crying hardly. Words were but hard to utter. All I could manage to do was cry and share with the whole family the worst summer vacation we had ever experienced.

That day finally came. The sun was still shining brightly. Everything about Dodong seemed like framed hopes. Perhaps, it would be more reasonable to accept his fate.

Happily eating lunch with Fey and my other cousins were me and my family. She blissfully shared their episodes in the past and the things that they once dreamed together. Though she appeared joyful with our forum, I can still see through her eyes the beam of longing and despair.

After lunch, we went back to the ICU, still happy exchanging conversations ‘til we realized that Dodong’s recovery rate, blood pressure and heart rate continued to go down. All of us began to panic.

A physician and two other nurses came in. I went out of the room and prayed hardly, hoping that he would survive and recover. Just then, the doctor came out and announced that he’s gone – gone for good.

Everybody stumbled in great depression, especially Auntie. I could never imagine my once playful cousin has now left us. If only we knew that this would happen, we could have saved him from where he is right now. But time flies so fast. And so does life. His candle has finally melted, leaving us total darkness.

Until now, I can still barely accept the reality. I miss him so much. Waking up each morning while shaking those stresses away and knowing that I will never wake up again seeing him smile at me would seem to drown me in an ocean of soreness

“I remembered your bright smile towards me. The way you tap my back and the compliment you specially created for me each time you see me make my project. I’ll never forget your voice and I’ll especially miss your unique way of calling me gwapa. Too bad, no one could ever call me gwapa just like how you called me.

Now all I can do is just miss you. I am missing every single detail that signifies your personality. But then, I know you’re happy with God right now. And I’m still thankful that He let me experience fond memories with you.”