Friday, January 20, 2012

Final Wave

One hundred fifty five days had passed. Seconds, hours, dragged my youthfulness but not the frame of my broken heart. Pain and frustrations had always been my companion all throughout those lifeless days. Although I started to live my life the way it should be, I could still, inevitably feel cold but hard whips every time I saw him. Whips that were even harder every moment I saw him blissfully chatting and the like with unfamiliar ladies.

That was just an ordinary day. Gossiping with friends, strolling along the pathway until our feet grew tired, stalking with our crushes – simply busy with nothings. That ordinary day turned unusual as a very familiar number flashed on the screen of my cellular phone. That instant broke my monotonous routine of reading-deleting messages. The word ‘chance’ that surfaced struck me intensely. I reread and reread with my whole soul, making sure that I was not in dreamland that very day. Just then, I came to my senses and concluded that that was real life. The next thing that happened was history.

All right, a circle of friends would laugh at me now. But I still love him – still loving him despite everything. I had no idea why or how, but I just do.

It’s been a while but yes, the feeling was still there. I don’t know when this carved feeling leave the corridors of my fragile heart. Or will it ever leave? I don’t know. Perhaps, I would rather raise the answer to the heavens.

Although I told him the exact opposite of what I truly felt, it didn’t rear much regrets (as expected). Countless reasons are behind that lie but I could only recount here those concrete ones. First, I promise to totally vanish in his life after that time. The wounds are still fresh and the pain is reawakened everytime. Second, I was thinking of what was beyond. I was dreaming of what might be over on the other side of the waves. Would it still be the same? Will love be lovelier the second time around? I bet not. I saw no restraint put upon that asked chance. At once, I wished to cling on to that; but no, the word didn’t promise me something new and wonderful. I saw no signs to believe on that sweet, sweet phrase. I wasn’t even given a reason to hang on. Third, although I love him this much, I thought it was now my time to save myself from further pain. Perhaps, I grew tired of getting my hopes up and then nothing will happen. From then on, never did I wish to suffer again and to wander on the wings of fantasy with high hopes of getting something on the high regions of the unknown. Fourth, those I-will-never-fall-in-love and enough-is-enough lines before will be thrown to dust. And finally, because I believe that I could still be at my best even without the person I wanted the most –this valiant heart, ready to sacrifice even my own happiness. Ridiculous, isn’t it? But believe me; that was for a good cause. I’m wishing him true happiness.