Friday, February 12, 2010

Stupid Me
By grapes

“You can tell me that there’s nobody else (but I feel it). You can tell me that you’re home by yourself (but I see it). You can look into my eyes and pretend all you want but I know… I know your love is just a lie.”

These lines from the song Your Love is just a Lie by Simple Plan simply explicate the feeling of being cheated by someone whom you’ve shown love and trust; yet turned out to be something far from what you’ve prayed and hoped for.

Self-centered, supercilious, scornful- that’s what my close friends distinct me. Of course I do have a reason why I am like this. Mainly because I had more than enough of being hurt, maybe because I don’t want to suffer the nature of being fooled, perhaps because I was intimidated for searching another one to fill and replace my past lover, and generally because, I don’t want to feel the pain that once bounded my heart from the time I appoint into having relationships.

Ever since, I had been hesitant to speak what I am going through. I am afraid that they would call me weak and pathetic- for short, I had been so synthetic about my thoughts. However, life has its own way of teaching me to address and show what I really feel. Yes! I was badly hurt. I know what I feel is. Though I bear in mind not to engage in serious affiliation, to avoid being hurt, I still find myself barely breathing and could hardly imbibe the potion of pain.

One day I thought, it would have been better if we’re mutual with each other, that I am giving and getting equal love. This is the hardest equation Math could never solve for. If only I knew, all these things would happen; I’d rather Ctrl+Z or undo it all.

Every time we will have the chance to be together, I thought it would paint a smile on my face. I thought it would slip off my busy days. I thought his love was a chaste but it’s now time for me not be blinded with all these lies and misconceptions. I need to save myself.

Pain endures. Grief and revenge engulfed my heart. Sometimes I deliberate, he just stayed with me because I am like this, and I am like that. Oftentimes I feel insecure every moment he shares about his erstwhile lovers and inevitably comparing me with them. Although I know all these things would drown me in a river of regrets and reluctance, I still manage to smile and listen while my heart slowly and continuously breaks.

One day I suppose, it was just a day to spend our time together. To talk about our standing and forget all odds behind us; conversely, I was surprised with the fact that, he was busy having a conversation with his former classmate, recalling their histories in high school, joking with each other, relishing their blissful moments while I saw myself just standing behind the corner, counting for some motorcycles and pedicabs to pass by. Certainly I could feel, I was so op. I can’t handle it any longer. So, I decided to tell him, I need to study for we will have an exam.

It was rumored that he was dating with another girl. It started when my cousin saw them together. It even hurt me though it was a mere rumor. How much more if I will be the one to see it- face to face? She then directly asked me, why of all those guys who have shown interest in me, he was the one I chose? I tried to fuss. I insisted not to believe her for my loyalty and trust is within him.

Until one day, truth unveiled. My cousin and a friend attended a procession. They personally spotted this guy and that girl together in the same place and narrated that the boy pretended not to see them.

Thank God! I wasn’t able to attend that procession. Probably, I’ll endure the temperament of stern pain. What makes it more painful is that, that day was supposed to be our fourth monthsary. Four months being fooled and cheated.

I was silent for a moment. I tried to scent and sip the savor of being a loser. I tried to blink, to blur those visions away. I shed a tear, of course. Valentine’s Day was approaching and so was my birthday. Definitely, I will never have much luck in love. Nevertheless, it was just love. And just like what I read from a section of a paper, “Valentine’s Day, like any other special day, will be gone in 24 hours anyway- like most men I’ve fallen in love with.”

Loveless or Lovey Dovey, I still have the right to enjoy February.