I should've invited him to come over Karla's house for our feasib overnight. I should've invited him to go to church the next day. But then it all happened just when I least expect it. Really. The love stage is one tough arena and I can honestly say that I failed again. Yes, I love him since day one. But if love means to let go, then be it.
Oh well, this stinging pain engrossed me again – almost same time, same reason, same downfall. I don't know why August came to me as bad as before. But one thing is for sure, I was willing and I strove hard to change my treatment and attitude towards him. As far as a business student is concerned, I did not want to risk my heart for a midget possibility that everything will be restored to life. Although bearing that, I still took the risk. I did tried. I partly changed; but, efforts were taken for granted right from the start and instead of regaining his eagerness, I was reaping his even colder treatment.
I kept on telling myself not to be disappointed because for the last few days, I know did my share – even if he cannot appreciate it. It's like one step forward and two steps back because everything I do makes him mad and an increasing cold treatment is at stake. I do not fully understand; but all I can do is to understand the situation the way he wants me to. And that the only remedy is the painful space – hoping so much we could work it out through apart yet too much afraid if the feelings for each other wouldn't be there anymore after some time. To God be the glory. *Sigh*
Sometimes I wish I could tell him how I dearly love and missed him. To tell him that I am utmost willing to change – even if he was already so sick of that line. I wish I could text him but I was afraid if he won't reply and was even more afraid if eventually he'll tell me likes someone else...just like before. I'm scared of the heartache I could possibly get. I'm scared because I was not certain of his response. I'm not prepared enough for history to repeat itself. But what makes me survive up to this moment is my heart – not literally beating; but my heart with the existence of deep thoughts I never envisioned could be found. I realized not to force myself and settle with someone who cannot settle with me and cannot found happiness with me anymore.
I hope this space made him happy.
I love him since day one. But if love means to let go, then be it – just keeping the agony within me.